Yea, you read that. Let’s talk about SEX.
Whoa, whoa, fitness blog! Nah, I told you things might get spicy.
DISCLAIMER: This is my PERSONAL opinion, and I understand and respect that everyone has their own.
Let’s get the preachy part over with first.
I’m not sure when this happened, but somewhere along the way since the flower-child free-love drugs-galore era where sex as a pastime was normalized (not all a bad thing) sex has become the easy-button go-to for that empty, lonely feeling we all get.
People go through pain or emotional/relational challenges in their marriage, friendships, relationships, work environment, you name it and they decide they have a “need” that needs to “be met”. So they cash in. Maybe through a connection online, maybe through someone special in their life, maybe through someone not so special, or maybe through a “f*ck buddy”, someone they can call up when they just feel their sex-tank is on “E”.
The inner dialogue seems to go something like this:
“Oh man, my sex drive is growling. Must be time for some nookie again”
“Geeze, nothing in the freezer. I thought I had some on standby. Bummer”
“Since I can’t microwave this, I’ll have to grab a phonebook and have it delivered… what a hassle”
“Yea, I’ll have that… with a side of endorphins and no shame please”.
I just don’t get it.
Granted, I was raised in a culture that went to the opposite extreme, where sex was an almost taboo word and the concept of any intimacy (including hand holding) outside of marriage was a carnal sin.
Having made some choices in my past that I legitimately regret and having been out of that culture for a while; having explored various religions myself and come to terms with what I personally know and accept about God and the afterlife and standards of conduct, I STILL find myself frustrated by this convenience-store concept of sex and intimacy.
My reasons don’t really have to be “biblical”. In an age where hedonism is all we live for, where generation Y is hell-bent on doing everything they can to reach the ultimate end goal of personal gratification, we get lost in the rat race for success and satisfaction and miss the cost aspect of the things we do to cheapen things that are priceless.
I’m of the old fashioned, grab-me-some-dentures and pour-me-some-prune-juice opinion that sex is INTIMATE and SPECIAL and AWESOME and reserved for someone who is in fact INTIMATELY involved in your life, SPECIAL (like no one else is), and AWESOME beyond explanation. Now that I’ve used up my ’90s child vocab…
I personally feel like the more sex you have, the emptier it becomes. I’m not talking about sex with that special person (we will get to that), I’m talking about sex with everyone else. There’s actually science that shows that we only have a limited amount of dopamine receptors, and when we max those out we will never achieve that first rush feeling of sexual gratification again.
Well that sucks.
Why can’t we keep sex on the top shelf and not make it the cheap version of what we really want to drink? We all know the thrill and intensity that comes with sex inside of a loving relationship with someone we want ALL OF, including their mind, soul, heart… we love them COMPLETELY, and there’s a special intensity that comes with THAT kind of sex.
YES, everyone has a desire for sex (some more than others), but just like any other desire, there’s ways to meet it without going A-WOL. I like sweet stuff. I choose low-sugar fruit when I’m competing because my end-goal is worth giving up the chocolate cake for.
If you can genuinely say you really don’t want a fulfilling, deep, intense, passionate relationship with someone else as an end-goal then more power to you, I won’t judge you. Your end-goal, in your world, justifies the normalization of shopping-cart sex. But not for me.
Having indulged myself in the best type of all-out, multiple-times-a-day (yea, TMI, sorry), complete, awesome, intense, passionate, loving, trusting, beautiful type of sex, I want to hold out for that. I’ll snack on fruit while I wait (how sketchy is THAT analogy) but I’ll give up the chocolate cake for the sake of coming in first place in the end.
On to the practical. Some quick bullet points:
1. SEX SHOULD BE FUN. Some positions are tried and true for a reason, but everyone should be open to experimenting. If you really trust and love someone let them do it upside down and backwards if they want to. If you really can’t physically deal with it, that’s your choice, but be open to experimenting. Sex goes stale when it’s too boring or when everything is “expected”.
2. SEX SHOULD BE REAL. Get over the movie-screen romance-novel version and get lost in the moment. You might hit your head on a wall, someone might burp, that button won’t unbutton, they might not do exactly what you want. #REALLIFE. Get used to it. When you script it in your head everyone will enjoy it less. Get lost in it.
3. SEX INCLUDES COMMUNICATION.
The BEST sex means you’re talking, to some extent. Once you get over the movie-screen version and stop scripting, start talking, start asking questions. In my relationship before things got bad, sex got better with time because you get used to asking what the other person wants. The more you get to know your partner, and they get to know you, the better it is.
4. SEX SHOULD BE SELFLESS
Now, this does go BOTH ways. BOTH people have to be focused on the other person’s satisfaction and enjoyment to have really awesome sex. But don’t forget your part in that. Get rid of the script, ask questions, and then take pleasure and joy in making the other person happy. I promise it pays off.
5. SEX ISN’T JUST WHEN YOU WANT IT
Cut the selfish act. Unless you’re physically ill or you really really have a crazy to-do list, be willing to give up the right to demand when you want but not meet when they want. Those of you who want it less often, give in and be surprised by how much fun you have. Often it’s just a mental block that keeps you saying “he has a stronger sex drive” or “she wants it but I’m too tired”.
Sex is awesome, intimate, special. Keep it for someone who is.
Sex (great sex) is real, unscripted, communicative, often, and unselfish.
Just my two cents.