RAW pt 3: Heartache

RAW pt 3: Heartache

There are many beautiful things about love.

How you DEFINE love changes as you mature, as you experience life, and as you learn from your mistakes.

One of the worst things about love, in my opinion, is that it defies logic.

Emotion. Masks. Truth.

Part of the recovery process includes a constant battle with your EMOTION over what you know to be LOGICALLY true.

The further you are distanced from a situation, the more your subconscious chooses to cope with pain and the logical decision to remove yourself from a bad situation by bringing up the happy memories, and glazing over the recent ones.

You think about the intensity of the passion that you had with someone, the raw feel of being acknowledged on an intimate emotional and physical level.

You remember a million, billion moments of laughter; inside jokes, near escapes, late-night talks.

You remember the first kiss, that special look; your song, your favorite restaurant.

You remember Valentine’s day at a crab shack, watching a documentary on weapons… the most romantic thing in the world, somehow.

You remember a sleepy getaway to Williamsburg that resulted in a not so intentional pregnancy.

You remember rescuing a dog from the shelter, throwing a ball for him and taking walks in crisp fall air.

You remember that desperate desire to be in their arms again after long periods of time apart, the glow on their face when they see you, and you run to them.

You remember being held amidst significant physical pain, comforting hands and a warm breath of promise in your ear.

You remember a frosty morning on the beach where he turned your world upside down and promised to begin a new life together.

You remember a sunset glow and wedding vows, and a crazy party with amazing friends.

You remember how you lit up their world.

You remember them holding your hand as you struggled through labor, and the deep comfort of their presence.

You remember the incredibly, beautifully, priceless, unforgettable moment when you both saw your son at the same time.

You remember that special smile, and the rush of being together.

You remember all of the beautiful moments, the sunshine times, the passion and the beauty and the laughter and the good in your relationship: a beautiful friendship.

No relationship is ever completely bad. None.

Something drew you to that person, something made you stay.

There were happy moments. You will remember them.

They will play tricks with your mind, and attempt to soothe your fear.

You will find times where you want to say: “f*ck it”, and go back, and try, as you did over and over, ONE. MORE. TIME. One LAST time, right? One last time, for the hundredth time.

In these moments you have to struggle to fight for truth. You have to remember you walked in the good of how God led you.

You don’t want to, but you have to allow reason to overcome your emotion. You have to purposefully recall everything you’ve pushed to the back of your mind in order to cope.

You have to be real with yourself.

Face it.

Cry if you must.

Surrender.

And step forward into your future.

Letting go of the past, opening your arms to the unknown…

that is the greatest achievement for you,

right here,

right now.

“The LORD is the portion of my inheritance and my cup; You support my lot. The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places; Indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me.”

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