Monthly Archives: July 2014

Brokenness & Healing

Sitting here tonight, I just received news that my divorce officially processes on a final state and military level July 30th.

Sitting here tonight, having anticipated this moment for almost a year, thinking I would be jumping up and down, I am utterly and completely broken, and in tears.

Sitting here tonight, I look back at the time from December 10, 2010, to now, July 07, 2014.

And I’m weeping.

Weeping for memories of beautiful moments, tarnished by hateful words and the wounds of the heart that take forever to heal.

For a child who will grow up witnessing the broken effects of human pride. Who never deserved to see those things or know this as “normal”.

For the girl I was, with so much hope and love and optimism and open arms, to the world.

For the woman I am now, with a depth of painful knowledge and experience in her eyes, a guarded posture, distrust.

For everything I wanted, crushed in front of me while I stood, helpless and humiliated.

For all I tried so hard to do, and failed to accomplish.

For the bitter, heart-rending lessons I learned through witnessing the self-destruction of someone I loved.

For the breathless security of driving away that day.

For the woman in the diner, who gave me 20 dollars and told me I would be okay.

For my son, sleeping through the night for the first time.

For the slow, steady progress in counseling to where I wasn’t saying sorry, I wasn’t afraid to breathe, to stand up for myself.

For the devastating fight to take the high road. Over, and over, and over.

For bitter tears and animal-like fear in a courtroom. The pitying sympathies of the judge.

For the reckless, passionate confidence to move to be closer to him again, believing that doing so would break through fear and resentment.

For the phone call, months later.

For his apologies, and our tears, and clarity, and light, and justice.

For the strong, incredibly strong woman I am, to forgive.

For the beginnings of laughter, again, and a distant, respectful friendship.

Two loving parents.

For the growing discernment, through many errors, in knowing what I want, and need.

For much redemption, and much pain.

For beauty, grace, wisdom, faith, hope, perseverance, courage.

New friendships. New places. New beginnings.

Hard work.  The refining struggle to survive.

For a wonderful man; a loving man… and a gentle one.

For respect, truth, candor, patience, companionship.

For smiles, and breaking walls, open arms, and steady growth.

For the love of today. With it’s beauty.

The hope of tomorrow, with its possibility.

The future, with its hope…

 

I wept for the past,

But now I smile.

Because it is not The End;

It is only the Beginning.

 

“We are afflicted in every way,

but not crushed;

perplexed, but not despairing;

persecuted, but not forsaken;

struck down, but not destroyed”