10 Reasons to DQ Your Long-term Girlfriend

Whoa, whoa, that’s not nice, right?

Maybe, but truth is, it can be very hard to discern at times where we are blind when it comes to making the decision to take a relationship further (whether that means saying four little words, or making a verbal commitment, moving in together or buying some bling).

My target audience is usually different, but this one’s for the boys: this is for you blind lovers out there who can’t really decide when you’ve got all-that up in yo FACE and you WANT IT… when she pitches constant bitch fits but makes some amazing lasagna… when she’s a dog person, and you love dogs… but she can’t spell her own name.

Here’s how to decide if you should make that leap… or nah: Here’s 10 Reasons to DQ Your Long-Term Girlfriend. And because I know half of you boys won’t read anything this long, scroll to the bottom for a summary.

10 Reasons to DQ Your Long-Term Girlfriend

1. She likes shiny things more than paying her electric bill.

Long-term relationships require some responsibility on the part of both partners. If your girl is slinging diamonds and Prada instead of making her rent payment on-time… it’s a DQ. Long-term relationships require an awareness of and adherence to adult responsibilities. 

2. She can name every character on Jersey Shore but thinks “suffrage” for women is as inhumane as the way Jionni treated Snooki on Season 2. 

If you haven’t seen it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lysWbzQyiWw.

Apparently the majority of women these days don’t even know basics about history and culture. If your girl lives in a tiny bubble full of fist-pumping, oompa-loompa-colored Italians with grammar problems… it’s a DQ. Long-term relationships need big-picture partners (she doesn’t need to be Einstein, but she does need to care about something of value). 

3. She can’t leave the house without a 90-minute primp session, even when you’re already 283 minutes late. 

The older you get, the more you realize that while RESPECT demands some level of self-care,  SELF-OBSESSION is marked by a constant clinging to insecurities at the expense of honoring your commitments. If she’s unwilling to sacrifice a perfect image to respect yours (or others’) time… it’s a DQ. Long-term relationships require respect for others. 

4. She knows every Taylor Swift song by heart but can’t remember the name of your favorite team.

This may seem trivial, but the things that matter most to you should matter to your girl. While she may not be able to list off the entire starting lineup for for the Lakers or your current level of achievement in World of Warcraft, she should be able to recognize a few key things that matter to you. If not? DQ. Long-term relationships need partners who care.

5. She’s a constant bitch-track about her job, her family, or her friends. 

Let’s face it, you might be able to handle a little whining here and there… but picture that ish for 20 years. Can you really stand her griping on replay… forever? While you should be able to be honest and complain once and a while with your partner, there’s like, totally, a limit before you like, want to shoot yourself. Does she even DO anything about the things she “can’t evens” about? If not… DQ. Long-term relationships require partners who contribute positively to each other’s lives. 

6. She expects you to fix everything. 

We aren’t talking household appliances here (sorry boys, if she can’t that one’s on you), we’re talking life shit. All of that stuff she might complain about (see 5)? If she expects you to fix everything, she ain’t the one. Can’t leave her alone for an hour without worrying she might fall apart on her own? Not a good sign: DQ. Long-term relationships aren’t truly codependent, they require partners who can each take care of their own shit. 

7. She’s her own breed of Hungry Hippo when it comes to attention from other guys. 

This is bad, bad, bad news bears. Here’s a good example:

Recently my boyfriend and I had a “tiff”. A guy friend I’ve known for a long time (and never dated) commented something sarcastic on my Instagram – it looked like a compliment, but I know him, he’s a sarcastic bastard and it wasn’t intended as a nicety. I replied with an equally sarcastic kissy face emoji. What I saw? A joking, friendly, non-romantic, non-flirtatious interaction with an old friend in good nature. What my boyfriend saw? Flirting. Lucky for me, I’ve never broken his trust so a quick explanation and a post adjustment was all that was needed to smooth the situation over.

However, it’s something I see all too often: girls hungry for the attention of other guys – in public, in social media, with “old friends” in private, at school… and their guy doesn’t see the warning signs. If your girl’s crack is another guy’s gaze (no pun intended), DQ her. Long-term relationships require benchmark fidelity (and constant flirtation is just a foreshadowing of bad things to come). 

8. Her only friends are you and her Pomeranian, “Sprinkles”. 

Like it or not, in the long-term, if your girl’s friend list as as short as that skirt you love, you’re in trouble. You cannot and will not ever be anyone’s everything.  These relationships fail, FAST. Guaranteed, if she’s putting you on a pedestal now, later on when you disappoint her in some way (you will), or when you’re unavailable and she feels “lonely”, you’ll be the fall guy. I’ve seen so many girls blame their man when he “falls short” because they’ve made everything in their life about him, or become jealous of his (even male-only) own friendships. If your girl can’t make a few good friends independently of you, it’s a DQ. Long-term relationships require outside relationships for support. 

9. She’s your biggest cheerleader… NOT. 

It’s been said too much because it’s super, totally, completely, like, awesomely, but really – TRUE. Your partner should be your most relentless supporter! If what you want and what you’re doing and what you are passionate about isn’t directly hurting her or anyone else, she should be championing it. She should be the one saying “babe, pick up the guitar” or “go for it, you can do it” or “you’re getting better and better!”. If your girl is more hyped to start the next season of Gossip Girl than she is for your band’s debut at a local dive bar, DQ her. The example might seem silly, but it’s spot-on. I’ve seen so many relationships fail when people realize that the other person wasn’t willing to support them, or to pick them up when they failed after multiple tries. Long-term relationships require partners who passionately champion each other’s hopes and dreams. 

10. She freaks out like a squirrel on crack if you don’t text her back.

Oh boys, this one is so big. Don’t dig this grave! If you can’t leave your phone for 5 seconds without a dozen self-defeating messages, DQ her!!! Example:

8:43 Babe: hey lover, good morning (insert string of dumb emojis here)

8:44 Babe: hey, you awake?

8:45 Babe: I know you’re awake, I just checked your Facebook, where are you

8:46 Babe: are you sick? are you okay?

8:47 Babe: you’re mad aren’t you, about the other night – that’s stupid, seriously babe?

8:48 Babe: i’m really worried about you! text me back, what the heck? are you seriously that pissed?

8:49 Babe: i’m crying, you made me cry. great, i have to go to work looking like shit.

9:43 Babe: i’m on my way to work, you better call me later i’m super pissed. this is ridiculous, you’re a child. i’m dating a child.

I KNOW you’ve all dated or talked to that girl! DON’T COMMIT! Long-term relationships require partners who are SECURE in the care, affection, and interest of the other. If you’ve never done anything to break trust, and neither has she, this kind of shit has no place in a long-term commitment.

Because I KNOW most guys only skim, here’s a summary.

  1. Long-term relationships require an awareness of and adherence to adult responsibilities. 
  2. Long-term relationships need big-picture partners (she doesn’t need to be Einstein, but she does need to care about something of value). 
  3. Long-term relationships need partners who care.
  4. Long-term relationships require respect for others. 
  5. Long-term relationships require partners who contribute positively to each other’s lives. 
  6. Long-term relationships aren’t truly codependent, they require partners who can each take care of their own shit. 
  7. Long-term relationships require benchmark fidelity (and constant flirtation is just a foreshadowing of bad things to come). 
  8. Long-term relationships require outside relationships for support. 
  9. Long-term relationships require partners who passionately champion each other’s hopes and dreams. 
  10.  Long-term relationships require partners who are SECURE in the care, affection, and interest of the other.

Cheers, and best of luck.

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