Tag Archives: anger


This morning I randomly decided to watch the music video for one of my favorite songs. Little did I know it would bring me to tears.

If you haven’t watched it, you may be surprised. Check it out:

It is so easy to forget. To compartmentalize in order to move on. To push your past into deep, dark corners of mental closets – safe from the light. It’s surprisingly easy, with time. Things you think you’ll never forget, never recover from, never erase from your memory… you simply do.

You would be surprised what time can do to erase your pain – this is both a blessing and a curse.

Coping requires some level of moving on. But learning, growing, changing, and channeling requires remembering.

This video shocked me back into memories I haven’t touched in forever. I held them in my mind and turned them over with fascinated repulsion as I watched it, felt it, relived it… a relentless montage in my head of the most devastating and debilitating experiences of my life.

I remember that animal-like fear. The absolute terror and pain and the mind-blowing disconnect between deeply loving someone and feeling and receiving what I did from them. I remember the intense physical effects of harsh words and threats and raised hands. I remember that indescribable feeling of being trapped, and alone. I remember the vivid nightmare of my days and the panic of restless nights. The deepest forms of betrayal. Confusion, terror, self-loathing, shame, hatred, insecurity, depression, and anger… all wrapped up into one shriveling life form that was ME. Me: deconstructed, devolving, destroyed. I was dying inside. Hidden from light and love and hope and community.

And I left. I left, I started over. I grew, I lived, I was reborn. I evolved. I strengthened. I stood up, hoped, smiled, connected, and was free. Am free. Am all of these things, and more.

In the midst of my freedom… in the midst of the intense joy I feel in living, loving, hoping, dreaming, connecting, thriving… I must not forget my pain. My pain is what brought me here. My pain is what deepened me, developed my soul, created my empathy for the world and for everyone who has been there, and who is still there.

I’m anxiously awaiting the day when I can get the IDECIDE program off the ground. When I can again connect with a community of oppressed souls and help walk them into the light of freedom – away from this pain and confusion and fear. When I can reach out and touch the abused and the destroyed and the defeated with everything I have to offer from the other side of pain. I cannot wait to begin this mission and to spend the rest of my life pursuing touching as many lives as I can. I cannot wait to give back – to find the balance between living free, and remembering pain.

I have so much to do. I do not want to forget.

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Living for Tomorrow

In this fitness-obsessed, crazy culture that we bodybuilders live in these days, and with a new wave of “inspirational quotes” and concepts regarding how to live life, we’re constantly bombarded with the idea of “living for today”.

While I get it, I really do, let me speak for a moment to a very specific demographic, a demographic who feels caged by today; broken, hurt, torn apart, depressed, angry, resentful, afraid, discouraged, hopeless…

Let me speak to the broken-hearted, the starting-over, the can’t-get-out, the lonely, the self-loathing, the confused, the deeply-hurt and the lost.

Let me speak to the single woman who is desperately trying to hold out for the good guy, who longs for the companionship and thrill of love and is wrestling daily to keep from cashing in on tickets to the cheap-seat version.

Let me speak to the man who deployed with a beautiful home and a woman who lights up his world, who came back to a broken dream; a note on the table or a regretful email from a friend.

Let me speak to the mother who can’t hold a job, who is trying to get on her feet and meet every emotional, mental, and physical need of her children and sees all odds against her, with the rising desperation of huntress on a barren plain.

Let me speak to the teenager, trapped by a tyranny of oppression that is in no way indicative of loving protection, torn by a thirst for experience and a hatred of every waning opportunity.

Let me speak to you, to your shattered dreams.

I see you, with the Survivor’s light in your eyes. I see the darkness at your back and the bruises on your cheeks. I see the pain that you hide: the smile you wear like a jester’s mask on a broken doll. I see the confusion and the fear, the silk illusions of hope shredded by the painful daggers of your life’s torment.

I see the immense struggle at times, to put one foot in front of the other. The other moments, when you float through reality in an emotionless coma, grateful for the faithful regularity of breathing and the ability to simply check out and keep moving forward.

I see the worst moments, the moments when you are alone, and you step back, and you check in, and you simply HURT. You FEEL every moment over again, every word, every broken dream, every shattered reality, every disillusionment and the painful needles of disappointment.

These are the moments, these are the struggles, wherein the hope we find is not in living for Today. Today has betrayed us, with her duplicitous smile and false promises.Today is broken, irreparable, lost, Yesterday’s whore.

These are the days when you live for Tomorrow. When the simple hope of unclaimed time is the most beautiful thing in sight. These are the days when Tomorrow, with all of her unexplored nooks and crannies and possibilities and endless opportunities, is the hope that keeps you alive Today.

Tomorrow is a precious promise, when Today has lost its beauty.

Never give up on the hope of Tomorrow.




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Strength and Anger

Something clicked last night for me. My abuse counselor said it might eventually. I realized when you get to the point where you’re clinging to hopes of proving your worth to someone, there’s nothing left to cling to. When someone has decided in their own mind to think the worst of your motives, character, and personality, when you have done nothing but reach out in love and affirm them over and over; when you continue to assume the best of their intentions time and again only to be destroyed by their utter disregard for compassion and love; when you begin to realize that your very definition of living and loving someone is the nemesis of their rejection; when you begin to see that your value in perception to them is based on their ability to control you; when the patterns become so textbook they are almost laughable…it’s time to let go. When they stopped believing in you and made their love conditional, you passed the point of no return. In this moment, when you recognize that they are unable to love you as you love them, you are moved to pity and you begin to be angry. And when deep wrongs have been done to you, anger is okay. I know you’re reading this, this person in my life, and you will hate me for it, but you stepped out of my life the moment you loved your pride and control more than you loved me. Leaving you was not abandonment, it was courage, and I will never regret it. I hope you find everything you are looking for, but begin with finding yourself. You cannot strip my value from me. I am no longer granting you that power. Thank you for the many things you did teach me, I hope you can find that spirit of first love again.




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