Tag Archives: inspiration

What Doesn’t Kill Me

If you look back on a brief synopsis of my life the last decade, you’d wonder how I am who I am today, how I am where I am – and where the hell I’m headed.

  • 7 years of chronic illness. Hospitals, dressing changes, PICC lines, never a normal life like all my friends had from 18-24… so much crying and so much fear. I went to bed wondering how much pain the next day would bring.
  • 3 years of intense emotional and physical pain in my marriage. Leaving and starting over as a single mother. Begging for money from strangers on my drive. Minimum wage, credit cards. The devil at my back, driving me to succeed because a Little Someone needed me to.
  • Moving for an opportunity that fell through 2 weeks after I had spent my entire, meager savings relocating and signing my first lease as a single mother. Getting a job two days later that fell through 2 months later when I was fired for reporting sexual harassment. Washing cars to make ends meet. Studying my ass off to recertify as a trainer. Never knowing every month if what I had would be enough. Eating rice cakes and peanut butter to survive. 11 things in collections… I simply couldn’t pay them.
  • Finally relocating for a better life, with someone I truly loved who treated me well, and MAKING it, first time in my life I wasn’t afraid of not surviving… breaking up 11 months later and facing my life head-on again, with a dramatic increase in living costs, and no help – once again, single mother, running from all of the possible failure at my back.

With the amount of fear and crying and that tight throat feeling I’ve had this last decade or more, I should be a bitter, jaded, angry, person. I should be cynical, fearful of change, living in anxiety and closed off to risks. I should be, but I am not.

“What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger” – we have all heard it, but it’s not automatically true.

What doesn’t kill you can leave you broken. Your pain can debilitate you. Change you, degrade you, hurt you. Leave you alone in the darkness.

What doesn’t kill you can leave you destroyed – a shipwreck of humanity on the shores of broken dreams and one too many prayers for salvation.


It can make you stronger. But you know what the difference is in that “or”?

It’s just YOU. YOU are the difference. Your choice is the difference. Your determination, your ability to keep your chin up no matter how many times life throws a left hook and drops you. No matter how many times you’re beaten down and broken and hurt and afraid, no matter how many times you hit the “can’t” wall – no matter how many times life abuses your hopes and tarnishes the beauty of your optimism – YOU ARE THE DIFFERENCE.

You decide what you will make of your pain. You decide what will come of your past. YOU. YOU DECIDE.

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL TO ME. The little things are precious. Human connection is empowering. The ability to relate to others in pain I’ve experienced is priceless. Faith is a beacon. I don’t sweat the small stuff. I live hopeful, determined, progressive, disciplined, driven, strong. The world is bigger, more open, less limiting for the limitations I’ve experienced.

Life has never been easy for me, but my callouses are hard-earned, and impenetrable. I’m tough as nails, because I CHOSE TO BECOME STRONGER.

I am deeper, wiser, kinder, more hopeful, more loving, more outward-focused, more joyful, because life didn’t kill me. It didn’t break me. I pick myself up every damn time, and I FUCKING CHOOSE TO LIVE.

Here I am in sunny San Diego, surrounded by amazing friends, strapped again but LOVING the fact that I GOT MYSELF HERE. I toughened up, I CHOSE. I DECIDED TO BE STRONGER.

What didn’t kill me made me BEAUTIFUL.

Never forget that YOU are the determining factor in your life… who you become will be a result of what you choose to do with what COULD kill you. BE STRONGER. BE WISER, BE MORE FAITHFUL, DRIVEN, PASSIONATE, OPEN, LOVING, KIND, POWERFUL, CAPABLE…


I believe in you.


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a quick note.


When you have big decisions to make, God leads you. If you don’t know where to go right now, and you don’t have to make the decision RIGHT NOW, let it rest. There is no grace for tomorrow, for your “what ifs”. There is grace for today, and today’s decisions, and all will be made clear in time.

one of my favorite quotes:

“Waiting on God isn’t about the suspension of meaning and purpose. It’s part of the meaning and purpose that God has brought into my life. Waiting on God isn’t to be viewed as an obstruction in the way of the plan. Waiting is an essential part of the plan. For the child of God, waiting isn’t simply about what I’ll receive at the end of my wait. No, waiting is much more purposeful, efficient, and practical than that. Waiting is fundamentally about what I’ll become as I wait. God is using the wait to do in and through me exactly what He’s promised. Through the wait He’s changing me. By means of the wait He’s altering the fabric of my thoughts and desires. Through the wait He’s causing me to see and experience new things about Him and His kingdom. And all of this sharpens me, enabling me to be a more useful tool in His redemptive hands.” – paul tripp

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Living for Tomorrow

In this fitness-obsessed, crazy culture that we bodybuilders live in these days, and with a new wave of “inspirational quotes” and concepts regarding how to live life, we’re constantly bombarded with the idea of “living for today”.

While I get it, I really do, let me speak for a moment to a very specific demographic, a demographic who feels caged by today; broken, hurt, torn apart, depressed, angry, resentful, afraid, discouraged, hopeless…

Let me speak to the broken-hearted, the starting-over, the can’t-get-out, the lonely, the self-loathing, the confused, the deeply-hurt and the lost.

Let me speak to the single woman who is desperately trying to hold out for the good guy, who longs for the companionship and thrill of love and is wrestling daily to keep from cashing in on tickets to the cheap-seat version.

Let me speak to the man who deployed with a beautiful home and a woman who lights up his world, who came back to a broken dream; a note on the table or a regretful email from a friend.

Let me speak to the mother who can’t hold a job, who is trying to get on her feet and meet every emotional, mental, and physical need of her children and sees all odds against her, with the rising desperation of huntress on a barren plain.

Let me speak to the teenager, trapped by a tyranny of oppression that is in no way indicative of loving protection, torn by a thirst for experience and a hatred of every waning opportunity.

Let me speak to you, to your shattered dreams.

I see you, with the Survivor’s light in your eyes. I see the darkness at your back and the bruises on your cheeks. I see the pain that you hide: the smile you wear like a jester’s mask on a broken doll. I see the confusion and the fear, the silk illusions of hope shredded by the painful daggers of your life’s torment.

I see the immense struggle at times, to put one foot in front of the other. The other moments, when you float through reality in an emotionless coma, grateful for the faithful regularity of breathing and the ability to simply check out and keep moving forward.

I see the worst moments, the moments when you are alone, and you step back, and you check in, and you simply HURT. You FEEL every moment over again, every word, every broken dream, every shattered reality, every disillusionment and the painful needles of disappointment.

These are the moments, these are the struggles, wherein the hope we find is not in living for Today. Today has betrayed us, with her duplicitous smile and false promises.Today is broken, irreparable, lost, Yesterday’s whore.

These are the days when you live for Tomorrow. When the simple hope of unclaimed time is the most beautiful thing in sight. These are the days when Tomorrow, with all of her unexplored nooks and crannies and possibilities and endless opportunities, is the hope that keeps you alive Today.

Tomorrow is a precious promise, when Today has lost its beauty.

Never give up on the hope of Tomorrow.




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